Writers

Fast Horses

By Andy Andrews

As of this writing, there are twenty-one horses running in the Kentucky Derby this afternoon. From Forte, currently 3 to 1, all the way to Reincarnate at 50 to 1, the odds are as widely spaced–if names are any indication–as the gap in their owner’s imaginations. Some of the names are great, some are not so great, and a couple are downright horrible.

I do enjoy the names because even the best ones are a bit ridiculous. How did that get started anyway? And if you’ll notice, they only do that to race horses. All other animals receive normal names.

Dogs are called Rex and Ginny or Champ. Cat’s names don’t raise an eyebrow. Twinkle, Whiskers, Boots…all good solid cat names. Cows are called Bossy or Daisy and even regular horses are able to hang on to their dignity with monikers that fit who they are. Midnight, Blaze, and Red Man are all good horse names.

But thoroughbreds? Oh brother. They seem to always get something like Bronson’s Religion or Kookie Baby Doll or Wallpaper Sin.

I have to say, the names interest me more than the race itself. Like Forte. Not the greatest name for a race horse, especially considering the fact that more than half the viewers of Saturday’s race–had they had not heard the name spoken aloud–would pronounce it “Fort.”

Tappit Trice, I get it. It’s obvious. The owner named the horse hoping for a Triple Crown. Tappit Thrice is currently at 5 to 1.

Two Phil’s–12 to 1–is fairly straight forward. The horse is probably owned by two guys named…well, you get it.

Verifying–at 15 to 1–seems an odd name to me. It makes you think that the horse is being detained by Customs. Maybe his passport expired.

Mandarin Hero–20 to 1–is either owned by an Asian Syndicate or a corporation that cans those little oranges.

Reincarnate–still at 50 to 1–appears to have been given that name in hopes that he was once Secretariat and will realize that fact on the home stretch.

In the field of twenty-one, my vote for the worst name goes to Sotogake–a horse sitting at 10 to 1. And without any clue as to the name’s significance, I think it’s probably enough to know that Sotogake is the son of Mind Your Biscuits.

My vote for the best name in the Kentucky Derby is Sun Thunder. While Sun Thunder is a 50 to 1 shot, Sun Thunder is my pick to win. Can you tell I like to type the name Sun Thunder? I do. Yep…that’s a very cool name.

However…while I think Sun Thunder is the best name in the race, it’s not what I’d name a horse about to run in the world’s most famous race…

I’d name a horse something people would recognize–something that would make them smile. So, in honor of this year’s Kentucky Derby, if I was given the opportunity to name every horse, this is my official list. Call it my Equine Guideline.

1) Jeremiah Bullfrog	6-1
2) Wildfire	10-1
3) The Skipper Too	20-1
4) Tennessee Stud	20-1
5) Horse With No Name	20-1
6) Sorry About That Chief	25-1
7) That’s What She Said	3-1
8) Mockingbird Killer	7-1
9) Yabba Dabba Doo	15-1
10) Touchdown Alabama	Even Money
11) Bond James Bond	12-1
12) Hi Bob	7-1
13) Woke A Joke	5-1
14) Heeeere’s Johnny	2-1
15) Say Yes Ma’am	4-1
16) I Know Nothing	25-1
17) Side Effects May Include	10-1
18) Nip It In The Bud	4-1
19) Laughing In Church	3-1
20) Elvis Is Alive	50-1
21) OJ Did It	Even Money